Why selectively muting your pain isn't an option

How self-care and self-compassion can help you take your finger off the emotional mute button

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve had the privilege of talking to some incredible people for a limited series podcast I’ll be launching this January. Yesterday I recorded an episode with my dear friend and colleague, Kristin Cox—a Behavioral Health and Peer Support Coordinator for the Seattle Fire Department and former Work-Life Supervisor/EAP Coordinator for the US Coast Guard.

Part of our discussion focused on the topic of compassion fatigue—a common condition amongst first responders and other helpers—that arises from the continuous exposure to the suffering and trauma of others, and is often referred to as the “cost of caring.” As we talked about how our brain and nervous system try to help us cope during times of stress, crisis, and trauma, Kristin shared an analogy that resonated for me and I thought might be helpful to you.

She explained that in the face of pain and trauma, many first responders and other helpers she works with will try to selectively mute their emotions.

The problem?

Just like the mute button on our TV remote mutes all sound, trying to mute unpleasant experiences, suffering, and painful emotions like shame and guilt, actually ends up muting everything, including love, joy, intimacy, connection, playfulness, and so much more.

So how do you lift your finger off the emotional mute button?

Widen Your Window

I wish there was a one-size-fits-all approach to widening your window I could share with you, but there isn’t. Each person’s window of tolerance is unique, it’s width determined by your life experiences, exposure to pain and trauma, as well as to joy and connection. This is the reason ten people who experience the same stressful or traumatic event will have ten different mind-body reactions.

Figuring out how to widen your window of stress tolerance so you can be present to a full range of emotions requires that you experiment with different self-care practices that help you to activate your parasympathetic nervous system, also known as the body’s brake pedal, more often. This can be anything from taking a walk in nature or engaging in a regular gratitude practice, to spending time gardening or grabbing a cup of coffee and connecting with a friend. You’ll know you’re on the right track if the self-care practice leaves you feeling grounded and connected.

Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is the practice of being kind to ourselves. We call it a practice because in case you haven’t noticed, that little voice in your head can be mean so you have to be intentional about noticing it and addressing it—which takes practice. As you move through the process of finding a better way to cope and be present to your emotions, you will inevitably backslide. Through experience I’ve learned that in those moments we have two choices: we can berate ourselves—which I’ve personally found does nothing more than cause me to lose motivation and give up on trying to find a new way—or, you can talk to yourselves the way you’d talk to a friend who is struggling. The more kindness you show yourself, the more likely it is that you’ll continue working towards widening your window, breaking old patterns and creating new neural pathways to support you in your healing.

It may be unpleasant at first and it may take some time, but as Kristin explained, “on the other side of this practice are all the things you’re looking for—love, connection, intimacy, joy, fun, gratitude, appreciation, and so much more.”